Mission Impossipool
by Pun212
Summary: Deadpool is hired to steal a tape outta the Baxter Building
1. Your mission should you chose to accept ...

Your Mission Should You Chose to Accept It

"Hi! This is Deadpool. Mercenary for hire. Murder and mayhem is my specialty. Leave a message at the sound of the beep." BEEP.

"Hello Deadpool, this is William Quesda. I have a job for you. If you want to make a couple million bucks come to Jersey City, tomorrow. You know the building." BEEP.

"Pool, answer the fucking phone. This is Vinny. My prostitutes don`t come cheap and I want my fucking money. Pay me or Else." BEEP.

"Hi baby. Remember me, Its candy. I just wanted to call you. I had a great time last night. The things you did to me was amazing. I especially liked that thing you did with the whip cream and tic tacs. Call me back Baby pleasee, I`m home alone naked just waiting to hear from you."

Just as that last message finishes Deadpool gets out of the toilet, and decides to go see his buddy Billy Quesda. After putting on his clothes he is figuring out what guns to take with him.

"Enny, Minny, Minni, Moe, catch a gun by its toe," He sings while choosing between a double barrel shotgun, a AK-47, and his trusty Tommy gun. Eventually he settles on the Shotgun, with 2 magnums as backup.

"I feel safe now. Time to go visit the armpit of this earth New Jersey."

After an uneventful ride where he got into a firefight with 4 carjackers, 2 priests, and jersey city police he eventually got to where he was going. 

"Hello Deadpool, how was your ride."

"The usual, Billy, shootouts, coughing my lungs up, normal jersey stuff. So what is this big job. I hope its worth it cause I don`t like coming to this hell hole unless its worth it. I thought Bed-Stuy was bad, but Jersey is just horrible. I think we should just nuke it and turn it into a parking lot for New York."

"HaHa, very funny. Almost as funny as that blood that is dripping on my carpet. Tell me, do you always bleed on your employer's carpets"

"Very funny. You know the priests in Jersey are dangerous. Now please what is this job you want. Do you want me to video tape Britney and Justin`s sexual activities. I hear she says she`s a virgin but I heard rumors she got more miles on that body then interns in clinton`s white house."

"Well I don`t really care about Britney. What I want from you is a tape of a fantastic couple."

"I`ve been breathing the jersey air for over an hour. Break it down into simpler terms por favor."

"Fine, I have a buyer who is willing to pay alot of money for a sex tape of Mr. and Ms. Fantastic..." he said mater of factly as Deadpool gave a silent whistle. "Sources have told me that everything in the Baxter Building is video tapped, so it is logical that there is a tape of those too making love somewhere in the building. I want you to break into the Baxter Building and get the tape."

"Break into the Baxter Building, are you crazy. I`d have an easier time trying to peel open Iron Man`s armor with a can opener then trying to break into the Baxter Building," replied Deadpool

"Well Mr. Pool if you feel you arn`t up to the job, I can hire Taskmaster for this assignment."

"Whoa, slow down sparky. I`m up to this."

"Good."

"Now this job is going to be tricky. I want 2 million right now..." said Pool

"And if you bring me the tape I will add on an extra 3 million" said Quesda.

"Excuse, I`m not done making demands, I also want you to pay off a pimp named Vinny, and I want a 50 pound bag of skittles."

"Ok so for bringing me the tape you get 5 million dollars, I pay off your pimp and you get the bag of skittles. Nice doing business with you Mr. Deadpool. Now let me get your 2 million and I will let you go so you can attend to your job.

To Be Continued 


	2. A stroll through the Baxter Building

Mission Impossipool part 2

"Captain's log," said Pool in his best Capt. Kirk voice. "Stardate aquarius um I mean Feb, 20. I have just accepted a job that might be impossible to puff off. I mean how the hell do you break into the Baxter Building. I`d have an better chance of surviving a stroll thru Harlem wearing KKK robes then pulling this job off." With that last comment Pool flushed the toilet and walked to the kitchen butt naked.

"Hm," Pool says while scratching his scaly scabby head. "Where did I hide that image inducer," he says while digging in a crate full of playboys, videos, and a picture of the Wasp in a wet tee shirt. "Oh," he says while he slaps himself in the head. "I left it in the weapon's closet."

As he walks to the closet he steps on a Nightcrawler teddy bear and throws a dart at the Captain America dart board. He then reaches the weapon's closet and after grabbing a duffel bag, he puts on his costume and switches on the image inducer. He then turns into an attractive young women with long dark hair, lots of curves and wearing black capri pants with a baby tee on. He then switches on the voice changer he "borrowed" from his old buddy Cain back in the Weapon X days and walks out to a non descript car. After closing the door and tapping a few buttons the car turns into a black Mercedes Benz. As he drives toward the Baxter Building he calls the police.

"Hello, I just saw a skinny guy dressed in red killing alot of people at Yankee Stadium. His hands turned into an axe and he just cut off Derek Jeter`s head off. Now he just stuck a baseball bat up Roger Clemen`s ass, " he yelled in a panicked women`s voice. 

"Calm down Ma`am," the operator replied. "Get out of the area as fast as you can and lock your doors. I`m gonna send some cars and I will put in a call to the Fantastic Four."

As Pool got closer to the Baxter Building he saw a Fantasticar lift off. He then snapped his fingers and said "Distraction Numero uno check. Lets hope those people I payed off distract them for a long time, and the Weapon X scrambler I borrowed last time I was drafted works."

With that he walks into the Baxter Building and joins a tour group. He then stands next to an old man and 5 mins later shouts "Help that old man grabbed my ass." As security robots come, he turns on the scrambler and goes to the ladies room. Since it was filled he calmly slipped out and went into the men`s room. After seeing that it was empty he goes into a stall next to a vent. Before he goes into the vent he takes out a permant marker. He then writes on the wall "The Invisible Women Shallows" in big bold letters and draws a picture of a man. He then draws sperm going from the man and traveling down an invisible throat and swimming in an invisible stomach . Then he climbs on top of the toilet and goes into the vent. As he is climbing thru the vent he hopes the blueprints he got off a bribed worker are correct.

After about five minutes he sees a cleaning bot and after destroying it with his silenced glock he comes to an intersection. He then takes out a compact he "Borrowed" from Copycat and uses the powder to detect lasers. He then uses the mirror to deflect the laser and after moving it around destroys the laser display. After a long trip where he uses everything from Bubblicious to his silenced glock he manages to get past the state of the art security and he jumps out of the vent and lands in the security center. 

He then takes out an AK-47 and shoots the guards in the room with rubber bullets. He then ties them up and sticks apples in their mouths. He then goes and locks the door and looks through the security tapes.

"Whoa, Suzie really gets down," he says excitedly. "I didn`t know she could use her powers that way. Damn is that humanly possible. No wonder they call him Mr. Fantastic. Let me download this and watch it later.'

As he starts downloading big thunderous footsteps are heard walking toward the locked door. Those huge footsteps then open the door, and first came the sound of a huge fire starting then "Its clobbering time" 


	3. Its clobbering time

Part 3

"Howdy fellas. How ya doing," said Pool in his best cowboy voice as he drops his bag. "What a nice day it is today". Well it looks like my distraction didn`t work Pool thinks to himself.

"Fellas I can explain," pleaded Pool.

"Can you explain what your doing in here. Or can you explain why Sue and Reed had to rush to the Bronx," said the Torch as he hovered in the air.

"Well Torchy, all the answers you seek are in this bag," Pool said in the voice of an old kung fu master. While he talked he put his hands behind his back and slipped the Cd in a pocket on the back of his leg.

"Keep your hands where I can see them," said Ben Grimm as his voice boomed out.

"Ok fellas, cool off," said Pool as he erupts into laughter. "Get it cool off, Torch," he says while going into uncontrollable laughter. As he laughs the Torch and Thing look at each other. Seizing the opportunity, he throws 2 grenades at the Thing. As gas sprays out from the grenades, he pulls a fire extinguisher off the wall and starts spraying the Torch. He then grabs his bag and runs out of the room as fast as possible while the two recover. 

He gets a couple of feet away as the floor in front of him bursts into fire. He somersaults over the flames and narrowly dodges a fireball. He then empties the extinguisher on the Torch and looks away as he see the Thing huffing and puffing to try and reach them. He then throws the empty extinguisher at the Torch and reaches into his bag. He pulls out a rocket launcher and fires 2 rockets at the Thing and hits the groggy Torch as he runs off.

So far so good thinks Pool. As long as I can keep dumb and dumber distracted and get to a window before the rest of the team comes I should be ok. Skittles here I come. With that he turns and enters a huge room. He then looks back and sees the Torch behind him flying wobbly.

"Hey Johnny, I read in the Bugle that your girl tastes looks Flipper, and when she gets kissed it tastes like drinking out of the east river." Instead of giving him an answer the Torch throws a fire ball and Deadpool`s back goes on fire. As the flames cool off and he feels his healing factor kick in, Pool makes a turn and dashes toward a window. He suddenly runs right into thin air and as he falls back from the impact hits another invisible wall. He then fells the air and says "Now I know what a mime goes throw."

With that last comment Mr. Fantastic walks into the room and the Invisible Woman appears out of thin air.

"Why have you broken into into my house," says Sue as she crosses her arms over her chest.

"Hey Sue, did anybody ever tell you, you look gorgeous when your angry. Can I get an autograph."

"I`m gonna ask one more time, why are you here," Sue says.

Turning to Reed, Pool says "Is it her time of the month. If so I can come back at a better time."

"I say we should just clobber him," bellows out Ben.

"If you hadn`t been so slow you could have done it already," replied the Torch.

"Boys can you keep your childish bickering to yourselves," said Reed. "Now Deadpool according to our records you have stolen something from our computer network. What is it and who is it for."

"Ok people I would love to spill my guts but according to page 2 of the mercenary's rulebook I can`t. I can say though if I am not released, something bad will happen right about now."

As he said that a computer screen rose up from a table and started beeping.

"Computer report," said Reed

"A Church has just blown up....."

"Near city hall," calmly said Pool as he finished the computer's sentence. "Now time is money people. If I am not released in 5 minutes 20 more buildings in New York and New Jersey will blow up. I promise you I did not take anything of too sensitive a nature and it will not go to any of your enemies."

"Why should we believe you," said Reed

"Scouts honor," shot back Pool. "You can check the system later if you don`t believe me. Also in the system is a list of all the buildings I`ve planted with explosives."

With that last comment, the Fantastic Four huddled up. After a couple of minutes the force field was dropped, and Deadpool left.

10 minutes later an attractive redhead driving a ford escort turned onto 42 st. 20 minutes later a middle aged women drove the car into a scrap yard. After catching a bus a 80 year old man stepped onto a train headed for Brooklyn. A half hour later, the same man made some popcorn, turned off the lights and watched a movie. A lil bit later Reed Richards found out from the FDNY and NYPD Bomb squads that all the buildings on the list were all empty for various reasons.

2 days later Deadpool walked into central park with a briefcase. 5 minutes later he walked out with a different briefcase and he loaded a 50 pound bad into the trunk of his car. 


End file.
